You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
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I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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