I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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