Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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