I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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