atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
