Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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