I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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