I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
