i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
