you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
