The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
