if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
