I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
