did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I want her autograph on my taint
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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