Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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