I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This is my gift to your gina
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
