your parents love me but you hate me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
