so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
