I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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