you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
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Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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