Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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