i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
