Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
