Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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