census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
