her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's shark week go big or go home
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
