btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
