About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
