You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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