why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
