good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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