the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
