Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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