I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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