He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
