She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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