i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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