Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
