dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
