I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I need to sanitize my soul.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
