did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
