I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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