I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
