you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
