you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
