she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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