Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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