My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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