We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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