i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
