Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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