what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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