I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
