it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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