just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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